Therapy

A couple weeks ago, on Fast Sunday, Chad and I both got up and bore our testimonies and told our whole ward that we were pregnant. I also said that with a lot of our struggles that we had last year I had gotten really angry and felt like Heavenly Father didn't care about me or what Chad and I were going through. I have now realized that no matter how angry or alone I am feeling, he's right by my side. Before we received our bad news last week I had said that I didn't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if my little faith could survive it. Oddly enough, I feel very close to my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ and KNOW that they are weeping with us and hurt for our pain. I also know that though this does not feel just to us, there is a reason for our loss. Heavenly Father was being just to our baby for reasons we do not know.

That said... I relate to music. Most things that have happened in my life I relate to a song or songs. The other night, Chad and I were driving to a play and just talking about things and I had one of my sad moments. I was half paying attention to what Chad was saying (haha I think it was probably about the Jazz, sorry Chad!) and just having a pity-me-moment. I was thinking to myself, why? Why did this have to happen to us? Am I being tested for something? Is Heavenly Father seeing if I really believe what I said in testimony meeting a couple weeks ago? I also thought, is he really listening? All of a sudden, it was like the radio got really loud (it didn't, it just seemed like it to me). The song that was playing was Stand, by Rascall Flatts. The song had just started and I'd missed the first couple of lines but what suddenly came to my ears very clearly was this "Alone and helpless. Like you've lost your fight. But you'll be alright, you'll be alright." I just started to cry. That was all the answer I needed, I knew he was right by my side. I've been listening to the song over and over again this last weekend and it's really helped me. Here are the full lyrics... they describe perfectly how I'm feeling.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh [Repeat Chorus]

We're all faced with trials in our lives and we're told that it will never be more than we can take. When times are the hardest, it doesn't always feel like we'll make it through. I've had what I would consider my fair share of challenges and trials in life, most because of choices that I've made but some, like losing the baby, just because life decided to throw me a curve ball. At the times I've been going through a trial, I almost couldn't see to the end but it always came. And I'm now grateful for everything that I've had to go through, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize and appreciate all the things in my life that are truly important. Right now, I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. And though it doesn't feel like it now, I will be grateful for this trial at some point in my life because it will make me stronger. Like the song says, I feel like I'm bending, almost to the breaking point but I'm still standing and can continue to do so even if Chad and I have to lean on each other to stay upright. Thank you to all of you that have called, emailed, stopped by, prayed for us, etc., etc. We love you all so much and are grateful for every single one of you.

Nightmare

Have you ever had that feeling that you're living through a nightmare and just can't seem to shake yourself awake? You know that what you're going through couldn't possibly be real so you must be dreaming. That's how I've been feeling for the last week. We lost the baby, but it doesn't seem real. Everyone keeps telling me how well I seem to be handling it but I don't feel like it.

Last Friday I had a little bit of spotting and went home early from work because I was worried but felt better after talking to the nurse at our doctor's office. She said that it was completely normal and as long as it didn't turn bright red that I was just fine. Later that night I had bright red spotting but it wasn't a lot. I again called the doctor and spoke to the on-call doctor. He was a jerk! He pretty much blew me off and said well if you're miscarrying I can't do anything about it. Gee! Thanks for the compassion! He also told me I was probably fine and just to go see my doctor on Monday. On Saturday Chad and I ran some errands and the bleeding got worse... it wasn't constant but it was concerning. So all weekend we just stayed at home with me laying on the couch. Just to be safe. A friend of mine had lent me a heart monitor that she had and we kept listening to the heartbeat, or what we thought was the heartbeat. What we were actually hearing was my heartbeat which we figured out on Sunday night and it kind of sunk in that we'd probably lost the baby. Chad and I both cried and cried Sunday night but I was still trying to think positive.

I called as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday and made an appointment, unfortunately it wasn't with my doctor because she wasn't on that day. But she is awesome and had received an email from one of the doctors I'd talked to over the weekend letting her know what was going on and she called me and told me to get into the office. She wouldn't let me see another doctor. They did an emergency ultra-sound and determined that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks but my body just hadn't figured it out yet. My uterus was the size it should have been for 13 weeks but the baby was still tiny and had no heartbeat. That was crushing. Monday we spent all day at the doctor's office and in the hospital. My doctor called a couple hospitals and was able to get us in to have a D&C done quickly. Now I'm just empty... or that's how I feel when I let myself think about it.

Physically I'm okay. I haven't had much pain physically but emotionally I hurt. I've had a couple of blessings that have helped enormously and helped me see that I'm not alone. And I do know that I would much rather this have happened now than to have gone full term and had the baby have problems that would have caused it pain. My doctor assures us that I'm okay and has given us the go ahead to start trying again after a month. But damnit this SUCKS!!!! We were supposed to be in the safe zone... pretty much everyone knows that we were expecting and now we have to go back and tell everyone that we're no longer pregnant.

I feel alright and that everything will work out but now I'm worried that we will get pregnant again and I'll be super stressed during those first 12 weeks. I know I'm a strong person and so is Chad but it comes to a point when I have to ask why can't this just be easy already?

New Year's Resolutions

So I never thought I would ever utter these words, especially as a New Year's Resolution, but this year..... I WANNA BE FAT!!!! :D Not blubbery fat, just pregnant fat.

My mom gave me a gift card for Amazon for Christmas so that I could get some maternity clothes. (Sidenote: if you need maternity clothes, I would highly recommend Amazon. They're cute, have a huge selection and have great prices.) It's probably a good thing I only had a limited amount I could spend because there was so much stuff that I wanted.

I settled on a jean skirt, an adorable grey dress and one top (mine is actually a dark salmon color). The clothes fit now too but I want the bump! :P I know I'm being silly and in a few months I'll probably be kicking myself for saying this... but still. I do have a tiny bump but not one that anyone else but myself or Chad would notice. Haha probably cause you can only see it when I'm naked! But it's still there!

I will be 12 weeks on Sunday and officially into my 2nd trimester (YAY!) When I found out that I was pregnant I was a little worried about all the negatives that come with the first trimester but I've definitely been blessed because the worst I've had is being tired. Extremely tired! I'm an old woman now and start dozing off at like 9. It drives Chad crazy.... especially on the weekends. But I've had no morning sickness, just a slight aversion to some foods. We had our second appointment last Friday (Dec. 28th) and my doctor said I'm in the top 10% of her healthiest expectant mothers. I'm doing good with my weight, trying to make sure I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and getting enough water. I'm going to start going to Yoga as well to somewhat stay in shape. So basically I'm feeling great!

It was too early to hear the heartbeat at our last appointment so our doctor did another ultrasound just so we could see (she's awesome!) and the baby's doubled in size since the last ultrasound. I read all about how the baby will double its size in about 3 weeks but seeing is believing. It's starting to look human now, has legs and arms, feet, hands, fingers and toes. I had a small panic moment this morning when I thought, huh, only 7 months until the baby is here. What! Only 7 months... doesn't seem very long now! There's so much to do before then! Fortunately the nursery is all painted. (The picture's a little blurry but you get the idea). We just need to get the furniture and arrange the room. It will be Classic Winnie the Pooh... so it works for a boy or girl. It's probably a good thing that we started working on stuff so long ago because now it's not a huge shock for the puppies. I'm a little worried how Rocky will feel about someone invading her cuddle time. She's the baby right now and needs to be hugged every day... funny dog! I'm sure she will love the baby because she loves kids but it will take some getting used to. Alright... I've rambled enough for one day!

What will the baby be?

So today my sister called me to let me know that she and her boyfriend Rey are having a baby BOY. Which of course made me start wondering and anxious to know what Chad's and my baby will be. I was talking with my friend Megan the other day who is also due in July and she was lamenting about how July seems like forever away. At the time it didn't seem that far to me. Mostly because I was thinking about how we'll find out the sex in February and that didn't seem too far away, in fact it seemed very close. haha But now it feels like forever. I don't have any preference over what sex the baby is, but Chad is hoping for a little GIRL. We already have names picked out for a BOY or GIRL and I would love to be able to talk to the little baby growing in my belly and call it by name.

If it's a little GIRL her name will be Madeline Teresa. Teresa is Chad's Mom's name and she unfortunately is no longer with us. It's important to both of us for our child to carry something of her grandmother with her. I never got the chance to meet Teresa but everything I've heard is that she was an incredible woman who I would have been proud to call my mother-in-law. She was strong, loyal, beautiful and loved her children fiercely (just like my own Mom). All traits that I would love to have associated with me and my children.

If the little baby in my belly is a BOY, his name will be Tristan Nelson. Nelson is Chad's middle name (don't worry, the names we have for any other children will have my family names in them). The name Tristan also means strength according to some baby books... others say it means noisy. Uh-oh!

We decided it was fate that our children have those two names... if we have a boy and a girl.... because we both loved those names long before we ever knew each other. So now it's on to the waiting game, I just have to keep reminding myself that February is just around the corner and will probably be here before I know it.

UltraSound

So today was the first "official ultrasound". The baby is growing right on schedule and has a strong heartbeat. I know it's the 2nd time we've seen it now but it's still amazing. It's not quite real yet that there is something growing inside of me! What's even more amazing is all my other friends that are also expecting. My little sister Caitlin is pregnant and due on April 30th, Scott and Megan are pregnant and due July 25th, Vanessa (Eddie's sister) and her husband are pregnant and due in August and I just found out today that my friend Ryan Warrick and his wife are expecting their 2nd child on July 12th. Wow! Lots of babies all at the same time!

First Sight

So the last couple of days I've had really bad back pain and feeling really crappy. I of course got paranoid and went into the doctor today. Chad had a scheduling conflict and wasn't going to be able to go but about an hour before my appointment, his appointment cancelled and he was able to come with me. I'm sure glad he did! Basically I probably have a bladder infection... oh the joys of pregnancy! But our doctor did an ultrasound just to double check on everything. The ultrasound machine was quite antiquated and couldn't even print pictures but we go back next week for the official "1st Ultrasound" and we'll get one then. But we were able to see the little M 'n M size baby growing in there and could see the heart beat just flickering away! It was so cool! Well I feel much better now about going to Disney Land next week (even though I can't ride much) and super excited for next week. It's all so amazing!

Change of Plans

So funny story!!! Chad and I were all set to go to our Adoption Intake interview on Thursday at 9 a.m. We were both really excited to get everything started. Well we didn't end up going, instead we ended up at the doctor's office. I had a pregnancy test at home and was a couple days late for my period so I decided to take it just to be sure. I really did not expect it to be positive... after 2 years of negatives it's hard to imagine that it could possibly be positive. But it was!!!! We went to the doctor and they verified that I am in fact pregnant! We are of course thrilled! It's still very early but we're hopeful that everything will go well and we'll have a healthy baby sometime next summer. The tentative due date right now is July 22nd but that could change. We will know for sure at our first ultra-sound on December 6th. :D Thanks for all your support through everything!!! We love you all!

The Story of Us

Chad and I met online through Emode.com (I think it's tickle.com now). He isn't the first person I'd met online, but I was the first for him. He sent me an email through the website and my co-workers encouraged me to email him back. We spoke on the phone a few times before we actually met. I actually had a boyfriend at the time but he was kind of a jerk so I said, who cares, I might as well see what else is out there! :P The first time we met in person was February 13, 2004. I went to his house and watched a movie with him and his friends and stayed until 4 in the morning just talking. So we decided to go out the next night, on an official date. :) So yes, our first date was Valentine's Day. I later found out that he almost bailed on me... he was trying to come up with an excuse not to go but couldn't come up with anything good. He came to pick me up and came to the door with a single red rose. We were getting ready to go and realized he'd locked his keys in the car. So we had to wait for a locksmith to come unlock the truck. We finally made it to the movie, 50 First Dates (seems appropriate right?). Of course I found out later that he'd already seen it with his friends and didn't tell me. Such a dork! After the movie we went to the store and bought some food for dinner and I made him lasagna and garlic bread. haha and then I kicked him out so that I could go over to my crazy boyfriend's house.
We dated for a few weeks (about 3), in which time I dumped the crazy boyfriend. My friends weren't so sure about Chad and we had a long talk one night in the hot tub about whether I should really be dating him. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about him but knew he really liked me and I didn't want to hurt him because we were good friends. So a few days later, the day after he'd taken me on a really nice date, I told him we could only be friends. He took it a lot better than I expected but that's because he knew I just needed time. We continued talking every day, usually by texting, for the next 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks he told me he was going out of town with his friend to go to a funeral and that he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days. I told him to have a safe trip and I'd talk to him when he got back. The weekend that he was gone was really good for both of us. When I wasn't talking to him, I missed him. I sat up one night talking to my friend Ryan and told him that I thought I missed Chad. He asked if I really missed him or if I was just lonely. I thought for a second and realized I really did miss him. haha That scared the crap out of me!!!!
Well Chad finally text me on Tuesday and we got in a fight (through texting) over something really stupid. We both said things we really didn't mean and then felt bad after. Chad came to my work later that night to apologize and we sat in the parking lot talking for a while. When he broke the rules and kissed me. He apologized but I said it was alright so he kissed me again and then left. I walked back into work apparently very starry eyed! My co-worker asked me if I was alright and I just said, um I think so. So we started dating again but just dating, I told him that I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I told my co-worker that I knew it was just going to go fast if we were exclusive and that scared me. I knew deep down that this was it but was too afraid to admit it to myself.
On Chad's birthday I went to take him to lunch, but he wouldn't let me pay! Later that night, after I got off work, I went to his house to spend more time with him. When I walked into his house, the front room was all lit up with candles and he was standing a few feet from the door in a suit and tie and holding a single rose. I was stunned but managed to ask him exactly what he was doing! It was his birthday, not mine! His response was, and I quote, "Even though it's my birthday, I want you to feel special no matter what day it is". I melted! That's the first day I realized I was in love with him but I was still scared. On March 31 / April 1 I told him that I would be his girlfriend. A week later he bought a ring. But I wanted him to meet my family first and to ask my dad's permission. So we made a trip out to Missouri to visit my family. We were engaged on May 14th (3 months to the day from our first date). He asked me on a walk near my parents house. It had just rained and we were in a grove of trees with water dripping down off the leaves. It was so green and beautiful... perfect!
Three months later (to the day, yet again!) we were married on August 14, 2004 in his dad's backyard. It was very laid back and fun! We went on our Honeymoon a month later to Hawaii, it was beautiful and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves - HAHA even our horrible sunburns!
So it's been just over 3 years and we're still going strong!

Growing up Chad

I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah on March 30, 1981. I was born 12 weeks early and I have a twin brother. Due to being born so early I experienced some expected health issues but my brother and I recovered fully and have no lasting effects. In fact my brother and I are considered "miracle babies" and when I was 9 or so we were on the Children's Miracle Network telethon for Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. I have lived in the surrounding area my entire life. My parents are Scott and Teresa and from a very early age they taught me the importance of family and there is nothing more important to me. Along with my twin brother I have a younger sister Jennifer. My childhood was what I would call farely normal. I did most of the typical things that children do. When I was five we moved to West Jordan, Utah and that's where most of my childhood memories begin. Right away I met who would become my best friend and who is still my best friend 21 years later. His family and mine became very close, like family and we did everything together. Growing up we spent all kinds of time outdoors and I quickly grew to love anything in the mountains such as camping, hunting, and fishing. We took many camping trips to the mountains in Utah and I experienced some of my fondest memories on these trips. We also went frequently to places like Yellowstone and Durango, Colorado as well as Disneyland. We loved to travel and that love continues for me today. I love all sports especially golf, basketball, and soccer. I played soccer and basketball competitively through Middle School. Golf was more of a hobby but one that I love dearly to this day. I stopped playing sports competitively in high school and was what my wife calls a "nerd" I'm okay with that though because I was able to concentrate fully on school. I was an honor roll student and I lettered in academics as a Sophomore. My love in school became architecture and computer aided drafting. I studied it with a passion and I excelled. I was able to be an active member in VICA and I competed in regional competitions as a Junior and a Senior in architectural drafting. It became my calling and today I own my own home design firm, Legacy Custom Home Design. After high school I attended Salt Lake Community College and studied Architecture. When I was 23 I met the love of my life and new best friend, Brittany. We only dated for 6 months before we married and it has been wonderful to this point except that we have been unable to have a child. (obviously). I know my entry is shorter then Brittany's but if I kept going it would turn into a novel and I'm sure I will post more soon.

Growing up Brittany

I was born in Mankato, Minnesota on April 26, 1980 to two amazing people. My parents are John and Brenda. My dad was born and raised in Minnesota and my mom grew up mostly in Kansas before moving to Minnesota as a teenager. They were high school sweethearts and married when they were both 20... they just celebrated their 30th Wedding Anniversary in September, 2007. They are and always have been my greatest example in life.
I am the oldest of four, my sister Caitlin was born 3 years and 6 days after me in 1983 - she was almost my birthday present! My sister Halley was born in 1985 and my baby brother, Evan, in 1987. Being the oldest I have a tendency to want to be in charge and mother everyone!
When I was four years old, we moved from Mankato to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, where I basically grew up. I loved Sioux Falls as a child! We were often outside playing some kind of game with just us or several of the other neighborhood kids. I walked to school at Mark Twain Elementary almost every day (up hill, both ways, in three feet of snow!). I played soccer for one year when I was six, but it just wasn't for me. I also played basketball from 4th grade to 8th grade. I love to play sports but am not the most coordinated person in the world so it's usually just for fun and not anything organized. :) My parents also made sure we all played an instrument, I picked the flute and played from 5th grade through high school. I even marched in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1994. I can still play but not nearly as well as I used to.
Junior High and High School in Sioux Falls were not the best times for me. You wouldn't know it now but I was extremely shy and often let people walk all over me. I was pretty quiet and was often alone. Until... my dad's company transferred him to Phoenix, Arizona at the end of my Sophmore year. Ooooo I was mad! I did not want to move, but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The first day I was in Arizona I decided that I was going to be a different person, that I was going to be out-going and not worry about what other people thought of or said about me. And it worked! My junior and senior year of high school were the best I could have ever asked for. I had tons of friends, went to the sports games, dances, etc. I also went on a dating spree! :P I hadn't really dated in Sioux Falls and now with my new confidence I had plenty of boys to choose from. It was a blast!
My senior year of high school I met a boy named Tim. We were together most of my senior year and decided to get married after we both graduated from high school. We were married in June of 1999 when I was just barely 19 and he was 18. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for him to change. Though I had never noticed it while we were dating, he was very controlling and became even more so once we were married. After 2 years of severe emotional abuse and some physical abuse, I left him. So at 21 I was divorced and life was a little rocky for a while. I made some poor choices and hung out with some people that were not very good for me until I realized I was heading down a road that I knew would never make me happy and I decided it was time for a change. I packed up my car and moved to Utah in June of 2002.
I had never been in Utah before, not even to visit. But I knew deep down that it was the right choice for me and where my Heavenly Father was directing me. Fortunately, I had some wonderful people to stay with that helped me more than they will ever know, Amanda and Neil. Amanda had been my young women's leader in Arizona and she and her husband Neil opened their home to me. I am eternally grateful to them for all their help and their continued support. After a few months with Amanda and Neil, I was able to move into an apartment with a roommate and started attending a single's ward at the University of Utah. I met some incredible people there, some of which are my best friends and always will be.
Though I know I've made some mistakes in my life, I'm grateful for all the lessons I've learned and feel that it's made me a stronger person. I will write more about how Chad and I met and fell in love in another blog. :)