Therapy

A couple weeks ago, on Fast Sunday, Chad and I both got up and bore our testimonies and told our whole ward that we were pregnant. I also said that with a lot of our struggles that we had last year I had gotten really angry and felt like Heavenly Father didn't care about me or what Chad and I were going through. I have now realized that no matter how angry or alone I am feeling, he's right by my side. Before we received our bad news last week I had said that I didn't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if my little faith could survive it. Oddly enough, I feel very close to my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ and KNOW that they are weeping with us and hurt for our pain. I also know that though this does not feel just to us, there is a reason for our loss. Heavenly Father was being just to our baby for reasons we do not know.

That said... I relate to music. Most things that have happened in my life I relate to a song or songs. The other night, Chad and I were driving to a play and just talking about things and I had one of my sad moments. I was half paying attention to what Chad was saying (haha I think it was probably about the Jazz, sorry Chad!) and just having a pity-me-moment. I was thinking to myself, why? Why did this have to happen to us? Am I being tested for something? Is Heavenly Father seeing if I really believe what I said in testimony meeting a couple weeks ago? I also thought, is he really listening? All of a sudden, it was like the radio got really loud (it didn't, it just seemed like it to me). The song that was playing was Stand, by Rascall Flatts. The song had just started and I'd missed the first couple of lines but what suddenly came to my ears very clearly was this "Alone and helpless. Like you've lost your fight. But you'll be alright, you'll be alright." I just started to cry. That was all the answer I needed, I knew he was right by my side. I've been listening to the song over and over again this last weekend and it's really helped me. Here are the full lyrics... they describe perfectly how I'm feeling.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh [Repeat Chorus]

We're all faced with trials in our lives and we're told that it will never be more than we can take. When times are the hardest, it doesn't always feel like we'll make it through. I've had what I would consider my fair share of challenges and trials in life, most because of choices that I've made but some, like losing the baby, just because life decided to throw me a curve ball. At the times I've been going through a trial, I almost couldn't see to the end but it always came. And I'm now grateful for everything that I've had to go through, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize and appreciate all the things in my life that are truly important. Right now, I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. And though it doesn't feel like it now, I will be grateful for this trial at some point in my life because it will make me stronger. Like the song says, I feel like I'm bending, almost to the breaking point but I'm still standing and can continue to do so even if Chad and I have to lean on each other to stay upright. Thank you to all of you that have called, emailed, stopped by, prayed for us, etc., etc. We love you all so much and are grateful for every single one of you.

Nightmare

Have you ever had that feeling that you're living through a nightmare and just can't seem to shake yourself awake? You know that what you're going through couldn't possibly be real so you must be dreaming. That's how I've been feeling for the last week. We lost the baby, but it doesn't seem real. Everyone keeps telling me how well I seem to be handling it but I don't feel like it.

Last Friday I had a little bit of spotting and went home early from work because I was worried but felt better after talking to the nurse at our doctor's office. She said that it was completely normal and as long as it didn't turn bright red that I was just fine. Later that night I had bright red spotting but it wasn't a lot. I again called the doctor and spoke to the on-call doctor. He was a jerk! He pretty much blew me off and said well if you're miscarrying I can't do anything about it. Gee! Thanks for the compassion! He also told me I was probably fine and just to go see my doctor on Monday. On Saturday Chad and I ran some errands and the bleeding got worse... it wasn't constant but it was concerning. So all weekend we just stayed at home with me laying on the couch. Just to be safe. A friend of mine had lent me a heart monitor that she had and we kept listening to the heartbeat, or what we thought was the heartbeat. What we were actually hearing was my heartbeat which we figured out on Sunday night and it kind of sunk in that we'd probably lost the baby. Chad and I both cried and cried Sunday night but I was still trying to think positive.

I called as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday and made an appointment, unfortunately it wasn't with my doctor because she wasn't on that day. But she is awesome and had received an email from one of the doctors I'd talked to over the weekend letting her know what was going on and she called me and told me to get into the office. She wouldn't let me see another doctor. They did an emergency ultra-sound and determined that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks but my body just hadn't figured it out yet. My uterus was the size it should have been for 13 weeks but the baby was still tiny and had no heartbeat. That was crushing. Monday we spent all day at the doctor's office and in the hospital. My doctor called a couple hospitals and was able to get us in to have a D&C done quickly. Now I'm just empty... or that's how I feel when I let myself think about it.

Physically I'm okay. I haven't had much pain physically but emotionally I hurt. I've had a couple of blessings that have helped enormously and helped me see that I'm not alone. And I do know that I would much rather this have happened now than to have gone full term and had the baby have problems that would have caused it pain. My doctor assures us that I'm okay and has given us the go ahead to start trying again after a month. But damnit this SUCKS!!!! We were supposed to be in the safe zone... pretty much everyone knows that we were expecting and now we have to go back and tell everyone that we're no longer pregnant.

I feel alright and that everything will work out but now I'm worried that we will get pregnant again and I'll be super stressed during those first 12 weeks. I know I'm a strong person and so is Chad but it comes to a point when I have to ask why can't this just be easy already?

New Year's Resolutions

So I never thought I would ever utter these words, especially as a New Year's Resolution, but this year..... I WANNA BE FAT!!!! :D Not blubbery fat, just pregnant fat.

My mom gave me a gift card for Amazon for Christmas so that I could get some maternity clothes. (Sidenote: if you need maternity clothes, I would highly recommend Amazon. They're cute, have a huge selection and have great prices.) It's probably a good thing I only had a limited amount I could spend because there was so much stuff that I wanted.

I settled on a jean skirt, an adorable grey dress and one top (mine is actually a dark salmon color). The clothes fit now too but I want the bump! :P I know I'm being silly and in a few months I'll probably be kicking myself for saying this... but still. I do have a tiny bump but not one that anyone else but myself or Chad would notice. Haha probably cause you can only see it when I'm naked! But it's still there!

I will be 12 weeks on Sunday and officially into my 2nd trimester (YAY!) When I found out that I was pregnant I was a little worried about all the negatives that come with the first trimester but I've definitely been blessed because the worst I've had is being tired. Extremely tired! I'm an old woman now and start dozing off at like 9. It drives Chad crazy.... especially on the weekends. But I've had no morning sickness, just a slight aversion to some foods. We had our second appointment last Friday (Dec. 28th) and my doctor said I'm in the top 10% of her healthiest expectant mothers. I'm doing good with my weight, trying to make sure I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and getting enough water. I'm going to start going to Yoga as well to somewhat stay in shape. So basically I'm feeling great!

It was too early to hear the heartbeat at our last appointment so our doctor did another ultrasound just so we could see (she's awesome!) and the baby's doubled in size since the last ultrasound. I read all about how the baby will double its size in about 3 weeks but seeing is believing. It's starting to look human now, has legs and arms, feet, hands, fingers and toes. I had a small panic moment this morning when I thought, huh, only 7 months until the baby is here. What! Only 7 months... doesn't seem very long now! There's so much to do before then! Fortunately the nursery is all painted. (The picture's a little blurry but you get the idea). We just need to get the furniture and arrange the room. It will be Classic Winnie the Pooh... so it works for a boy or girl. It's probably a good thing that we started working on stuff so long ago because now it's not a huge shock for the puppies. I'm a little worried how Rocky will feel about someone invading her cuddle time. She's the baby right now and needs to be hugged every day... funny dog! I'm sure she will love the baby because she loves kids but it will take some getting used to. Alright... I've rambled enough for one day!