I Wish You Enough

My friend sent me this story in an email the other day and I just loved it... thought I would share.

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough". The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom". They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?". "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?". She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory:
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

My Own Little Mastercard Commercial....

One Build-A-Bear Teddy Bear - $35.00

6 Balloon-Bouquet - $10.00

The Look on Chad's face when he realized I'm pregnant again - PRICELESS!!!

Yes, you read correctly... I'm PREGNANT!

On Saturday, March 1st I was at Target picking up some lamps for our newly painted and refurnished bedroom and happened to walk by the aisle that has pregnancy tests and just thought to myself... What the hell, I'll just take one! I was starting to wonder if I was pregnant because I was having a lot of the same symptoms as the first time around and I still hadn't had a period after the D&C and this was almost 7 weeks later. I didn't really think it would be positive but sure enough, it popped up with the word pregnant. :D Chad was at work all day Saturday so I had some time to plan a surprise for him. We already had the teddy bear because we made it about a year ago for our future child, so I went to Wal-Mart and bought a couple little outfits, one for a girl and one for a boy and also bought a bouquet of balloons. I clipped the balloons on a bouncer we have, strapped the teddy bear in with the pregnancy test in its lap and draped the outfits over the edge of the bouncer and put it in our living room, right in front of the door. It was the first thing Chad saw when he walked in and the look on his face was truly priceless! He just stood there staring with this look of disbelief on his face and finally stammered out... "Are you pregnant?".

We went to the doctor on Tuesday and they ran a blood test just to be sure and yes we are! Someone's getting impatient to get here I think because like I said, no period... we just got pregnant! We won't know until the ultrasound on the 18th how far along we are but the doctor said probably about 5 weeks so the baby will probably be due the end of October or early November. Obviously we're still in the "danger-zone" but I'm determined to stay positive and not worry about what could happen and just hope and pray for the best.

Latest Trip

Wow I haven't written in a while! Things are going pretty well... just super busy. I'm never home during the week! Monday and Wednesday nights I have class, Tuesdays I work out with my trainer and Thursday's is Yoga with Janelle. And then there's work on top of that!
But we were still able to get away for a week with Ryan and Janelle... haha our partner's in crime! Ryan had a conference for work in New York City, so Chad and I flew out with Janelle last Monday to meet him and hang out for a few days. It was a blast! We crammed so much into the one week though that it's a bit of a blur (I'll have to look at the pictures to remember it all!). Some of the highlights were the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Natural History Museum, Eddie Izzard Comedy Concert, the Bodies Exhibition, Ground Zero / St. Paul's Cathedral, Central Park, Rockefeller Center and Time Square. Typical touristy stuff! Our hotel was just 2 blocks from Madison Square Garden and we could see the Empire State Building from our room. It was lit up Red, White and Blue for President's Day. I'll post more with pictures and such.

On another note: It's now been six weeks since the D&C and we're doing okay. It's still frustrating to know all the other people having babies but I'm alright with it. Now I'm just hoping for twins! Yeah I know I'm crazy but I think it would be fun and we'd have two out of the way at once! ;) I know a baby will happen for us soon (whether it's one or more) and that belief is comforting.

Therapy

A couple weeks ago, on Fast Sunday, Chad and I both got up and bore our testimonies and told our whole ward that we were pregnant. I also said that with a lot of our struggles that we had last year I had gotten really angry and felt like Heavenly Father didn't care about me or what Chad and I were going through. I have now realized that no matter how angry or alone I am feeling, he's right by my side. Before we received our bad news last week I had said that I didn't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if my little faith could survive it. Oddly enough, I feel very close to my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ and KNOW that they are weeping with us and hurt for our pain. I also know that though this does not feel just to us, there is a reason for our loss. Heavenly Father was being just to our baby for reasons we do not know.

That said... I relate to music. Most things that have happened in my life I relate to a song or songs. The other night, Chad and I were driving to a play and just talking about things and I had one of my sad moments. I was half paying attention to what Chad was saying (haha I think it was probably about the Jazz, sorry Chad!) and just having a pity-me-moment. I was thinking to myself, why? Why did this have to happen to us? Am I being tested for something? Is Heavenly Father seeing if I really believe what I said in testimony meeting a couple weeks ago? I also thought, is he really listening? All of a sudden, it was like the radio got really loud (it didn't, it just seemed like it to me). The song that was playing was Stand, by Rascall Flatts. The song had just started and I'd missed the first couple of lines but what suddenly came to my ears very clearly was this "Alone and helpless. Like you've lost your fight. But you'll be alright, you'll be alright." I just started to cry. That was all the answer I needed, I knew he was right by my side. I've been listening to the song over and over again this last weekend and it's really helped me. Here are the full lyrics... they describe perfectly how I'm feeling.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh [Repeat Chorus]

We're all faced with trials in our lives and we're told that it will never be more than we can take. When times are the hardest, it doesn't always feel like we'll make it through. I've had what I would consider my fair share of challenges and trials in life, most because of choices that I've made but some, like losing the baby, just because life decided to throw me a curve ball. At the times I've been going through a trial, I almost couldn't see to the end but it always came. And I'm now grateful for everything that I've had to go through, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize and appreciate all the things in my life that are truly important. Right now, I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. And though it doesn't feel like it now, I will be grateful for this trial at some point in my life because it will make me stronger. Like the song says, I feel like I'm bending, almost to the breaking point but I'm still standing and can continue to do so even if Chad and I have to lean on each other to stay upright. Thank you to all of you that have called, emailed, stopped by, prayed for us, etc., etc. We love you all so much and are grateful for every single one of you.

Nightmare

Have you ever had that feeling that you're living through a nightmare and just can't seem to shake yourself awake? You know that what you're going through couldn't possibly be real so you must be dreaming. That's how I've been feeling for the last week. We lost the baby, but it doesn't seem real. Everyone keeps telling me how well I seem to be handling it but I don't feel like it.

Last Friday I had a little bit of spotting and went home early from work because I was worried but felt better after talking to the nurse at our doctor's office. She said that it was completely normal and as long as it didn't turn bright red that I was just fine. Later that night I had bright red spotting but it wasn't a lot. I again called the doctor and spoke to the on-call doctor. He was a jerk! He pretty much blew me off and said well if you're miscarrying I can't do anything about it. Gee! Thanks for the compassion! He also told me I was probably fine and just to go see my doctor on Monday. On Saturday Chad and I ran some errands and the bleeding got worse... it wasn't constant but it was concerning. So all weekend we just stayed at home with me laying on the couch. Just to be safe. A friend of mine had lent me a heart monitor that she had and we kept listening to the heartbeat, or what we thought was the heartbeat. What we were actually hearing was my heartbeat which we figured out on Sunday night and it kind of sunk in that we'd probably lost the baby. Chad and I both cried and cried Sunday night but I was still trying to think positive.

I called as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday and made an appointment, unfortunately it wasn't with my doctor because she wasn't on that day. But she is awesome and had received an email from one of the doctors I'd talked to over the weekend letting her know what was going on and she called me and told me to get into the office. She wouldn't let me see another doctor. They did an emergency ultra-sound and determined that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks but my body just hadn't figured it out yet. My uterus was the size it should have been for 13 weeks but the baby was still tiny and had no heartbeat. That was crushing. Monday we spent all day at the doctor's office and in the hospital. My doctor called a couple hospitals and was able to get us in to have a D&C done quickly. Now I'm just empty... or that's how I feel when I let myself think about it.

Physically I'm okay. I haven't had much pain physically but emotionally I hurt. I've had a couple of blessings that have helped enormously and helped me see that I'm not alone. And I do know that I would much rather this have happened now than to have gone full term and had the baby have problems that would have caused it pain. My doctor assures us that I'm okay and has given us the go ahead to start trying again after a month. But damnit this SUCKS!!!! We were supposed to be in the safe zone... pretty much everyone knows that we were expecting and now we have to go back and tell everyone that we're no longer pregnant.

I feel alright and that everything will work out but now I'm worried that we will get pregnant again and I'll be super stressed during those first 12 weeks. I know I'm a strong person and so is Chad but it comes to a point when I have to ask why can't this just be easy already?

New Year's Resolutions

So I never thought I would ever utter these words, especially as a New Year's Resolution, but this year..... I WANNA BE FAT!!!! :D Not blubbery fat, just pregnant fat.

My mom gave me a gift card for Amazon for Christmas so that I could get some maternity clothes. (Sidenote: if you need maternity clothes, I would highly recommend Amazon. They're cute, have a huge selection and have great prices.) It's probably a good thing I only had a limited amount I could spend because there was so much stuff that I wanted.

I settled on a jean skirt, an adorable grey dress and one top (mine is actually a dark salmon color). The clothes fit now too but I want the bump! :P I know I'm being silly and in a few months I'll probably be kicking myself for saying this... but still. I do have a tiny bump but not one that anyone else but myself or Chad would notice. Haha probably cause you can only see it when I'm naked! But it's still there!

I will be 12 weeks on Sunday and officially into my 2nd trimester (YAY!) When I found out that I was pregnant I was a little worried about all the negatives that come with the first trimester but I've definitely been blessed because the worst I've had is being tired. Extremely tired! I'm an old woman now and start dozing off at like 9. It drives Chad crazy.... especially on the weekends. But I've had no morning sickness, just a slight aversion to some foods. We had our second appointment last Friday (Dec. 28th) and my doctor said I'm in the top 10% of her healthiest expectant mothers. I'm doing good with my weight, trying to make sure I'm eating enough fruits and veggies and getting enough water. I'm going to start going to Yoga as well to somewhat stay in shape. So basically I'm feeling great!

It was too early to hear the heartbeat at our last appointment so our doctor did another ultrasound just so we could see (she's awesome!) and the baby's doubled in size since the last ultrasound. I read all about how the baby will double its size in about 3 weeks but seeing is believing. It's starting to look human now, has legs and arms, feet, hands, fingers and toes. I had a small panic moment this morning when I thought, huh, only 7 months until the baby is here. What! Only 7 months... doesn't seem very long now! There's so much to do before then! Fortunately the nursery is all painted. (The picture's a little blurry but you get the idea). We just need to get the furniture and arrange the room. It will be Classic Winnie the Pooh... so it works for a boy or girl. It's probably a good thing that we started working on stuff so long ago because now it's not a huge shock for the puppies. I'm a little worried how Rocky will feel about someone invading her cuddle time. She's the baby right now and needs to be hugged every day... funny dog! I'm sure she will love the baby because she loves kids but it will take some getting used to. Alright... I've rambled enough for one day!

What will the baby be?

So today my sister called me to let me know that she and her boyfriend Rey are having a baby BOY. Which of course made me start wondering and anxious to know what Chad's and my baby will be. I was talking with my friend Megan the other day who is also due in July and she was lamenting about how July seems like forever away. At the time it didn't seem that far to me. Mostly because I was thinking about how we'll find out the sex in February and that didn't seem too far away, in fact it seemed very close. haha But now it feels like forever. I don't have any preference over what sex the baby is, but Chad is hoping for a little GIRL. We already have names picked out for a BOY or GIRL and I would love to be able to talk to the little baby growing in my belly and call it by name.

If it's a little GIRL her name will be Madeline Teresa. Teresa is Chad's Mom's name and she unfortunately is no longer with us. It's important to both of us for our child to carry something of her grandmother with her. I never got the chance to meet Teresa but everything I've heard is that she was an incredible woman who I would have been proud to call my mother-in-law. She was strong, loyal, beautiful and loved her children fiercely (just like my own Mom). All traits that I would love to have associated with me and my children.

If the little baby in my belly is a BOY, his name will be Tristan Nelson. Nelson is Chad's middle name (don't worry, the names we have for any other children will have my family names in them). The name Tristan also means strength according to some baby books... others say it means noisy. Uh-oh!

We decided it was fate that our children have those two names... if we have a boy and a girl.... because we both loved those names long before we ever knew each other. So now it's on to the waiting game, I just have to keep reminding myself that February is just around the corner and will probably be here before I know it.

UltraSound

So today was the first "official ultrasound". The baby is growing right on schedule and has a strong heartbeat. I know it's the 2nd time we've seen it now but it's still amazing. It's not quite real yet that there is something growing inside of me! What's even more amazing is all my other friends that are also expecting. My little sister Caitlin is pregnant and due on April 30th, Scott and Megan are pregnant and due July 25th, Vanessa (Eddie's sister) and her husband are pregnant and due in August and I just found out today that my friend Ryan Warrick and his wife are expecting their 2nd child on July 12th. Wow! Lots of babies all at the same time!

First Sight

So the last couple of days I've had really bad back pain and feeling really crappy. I of course got paranoid and went into the doctor today. Chad had a scheduling conflict and wasn't going to be able to go but about an hour before my appointment, his appointment cancelled and he was able to come with me. I'm sure glad he did! Basically I probably have a bladder infection... oh the joys of pregnancy! But our doctor did an ultrasound just to double check on everything. The ultrasound machine was quite antiquated and couldn't even print pictures but we go back next week for the official "1st Ultrasound" and we'll get one then. But we were able to see the little M 'n M size baby growing in there and could see the heart beat just flickering away! It was so cool! Well I feel much better now about going to Disney Land next week (even though I can't ride much) and super excited for next week. It's all so amazing!

Change of Plans

So funny story!!! Chad and I were all set to go to our Adoption Intake interview on Thursday at 9 a.m. We were both really excited to get everything started. Well we didn't end up going, instead we ended up at the doctor's office. I had a pregnancy test at home and was a couple days late for my period so I decided to take it just to be sure. I really did not expect it to be positive... after 2 years of negatives it's hard to imagine that it could possibly be positive. But it was!!!! We went to the doctor and they verified that I am in fact pregnant! We are of course thrilled! It's still very early but we're hopeful that everything will go well and we'll have a healthy baby sometime next summer. The tentative due date right now is July 22nd but that could change. We will know for sure at our first ultra-sound on December 6th. :D Thanks for all your support through everything!!! We love you all!