Update on our baby

I guess it's time to update on OUR baby. :) He or she is in there and doing well. We heard the heartbeat a couple weeks ago at the doctor which was very cool. I relaxed quite a bit after that as well. I will be 15 weeks tomorrow and am actually starting to feel pregnant. Haha, my pants no longer fit. I can button them still but it's so not comfortable with the little bump popping out. So I went and bought a couple pairs of maternity pants last night. My problem now is that I'm in between sizes so the pants are a little bit baggier than I would have liked but I'll probably grow into them. At this point I haven't gained any weight... in fact I've lost weight every time I've gone to the doctor. I'm not complaining though since I know I've got some extra to lose. The doctor hasn't said anything about it yet either so I'm not worried. I'm trying to be good about eating veggies and not overdoing it with other foods which actually isn't that difficult since I fill up so fast.
My appointment for the ultrasound is on May 29th. Any votes on if it will be a boy or a girl? Chad has his fingers still tightly crossed for a girl and I think it may be. :) But I think that's probably because I know how much he's hoping for a little girl and I want him to be happy (not that he wouldn't be if it was a boy). Only 2 more weeks but the suspense is killing me! I apparently need to still work on this whole having patience thing!

Newest Member of the Family

My sister had her beautiful little boy last night. His name is Justice Kyng Brathwaite. He was 6lbs 13oz and 20 inches long. So little! Of course as tiny as Caitlin was, he probably didn't have much room to grow! It's so weird to think that my little sister is a mommy now and so exciting!

Here are a couple of pictures of the newest addition to the clan:

This is Caitlin and her new little boy.

And this is Justice (he looks just like his mom!)

Sorry, they're a little blurry since they are camera phone pictures.

I get to go to Scottsdale to visit her in May. My mom will also be there so I'll get to see both of them. It's going to be bloody hot but it will be fun to see her since it's been almost a year since we saw each other last.

Change of Schedule

Chad and I have been worrying about what we're going to do once the baby is here for daycare. Chad's sister had originally told us she would watch him/her but her plans have since changed. So we've been stressing a bit, even though it is a little early to worry too much. We've been considering all kinds of options. Ideally I'd like to be able to just quit and stay home but with the housing market the way it has been lately, that's not really possible. (For those of you who don't know, Chad owns his own company designing homes.) So for a while at least, I have to keep working. The company I work for is an IT Research firm and we have many international clients. The only way we're allowed to work at home is by doing the European shift which is at night. They were also thinking of adding a shift for our Australia/Asia clients but not for a while. Last Thursday morning my boss asked me if I would possibly be interested in doing a second European shift. He said it wouldn't be for a while but he just wanted to know if I was interested. I told him yes and went back to work. A couple hours later he called our whole team to his office and said that Dawn, our European Client Rep. has decided to stay home with her kids and we would be needing a new CR for that time shift. I took it! Granted it's happening a whole lot sooner than I expected but hopefully that will help me get used to the schedule before the baby is born. Starting on May 19th I will be working from 11pm to 7am. The time sounds daunting but I have worked nights before and actually loved it. So now I get to stay home. It was definitely an answer to our prayers. The worst is going to be getting used to that schedule since I'm falling asleep about 10 o'clock. It will probably take me a good month but then I'll be fine! I'm actually pretty excited. Not only do I get to be home but since I'm the European CR I will be the one to go to our annual European conference. This year I won't be able to since it's in October and I will be 8 months pregnant but next year for sure!

The Meat Dilemma

Lately I've been having struggles with eating meat... the thought of putting meat in my mouth and chewing makes me gag. Even just writing about it! Last night I made this yummy chicken dish that Chad and I have had before. First of all, he had to put the chicken in the pan because I just can't bring myself to touch the raw meat. When we pulled it out of the oven it looked and smelled quite tasty but the second I cut into the chicken I about lost it. I thought huh, that's interesting and tried again and about ran to the bathroom. So I told chad just to eat the chicken and I'd make something else and eat some of the rice that I'd made with the chicken. I took one bite of the rice and gagged because it had touched the chicken and that's all I could picture! Haha! It was awful! I ended up making some grilled cheese sandwiches and had some chips and a smoothy I made.
So I have a bit of a dilemma. I know I need to be eating some meat for the protein for the baby, but at this point it's just not happening. Hamburger seems to be about the only thing I can handle without gagging and even that is iffy at times. Has anyone else had this problem when they were/are pregnant? Any suggestions of things I could eat to compensate for not eating the meat?
I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow and for the most part the nausea I've been experiencing (only at night) is abating but now is when I start feeling like I might really get sick. It's pretty funny! I thought it was supposed to be easier after 12 weeks but it seems harder now! Alright, enough complaining! Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

40th Anniversary

Today is the 40th Anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr's assassination so in honor of him I thought I would post a video of one of his most famous speeches. As well as a paper I wrote recently on the feelings I had after first really viewing and listening to his words.



I was brought to tears by reading and watching the, “I Have a Dream”, speech given by Martin Luther King Jr. on August 28, 1963 in front of the Lincoln Memorial. I could feel the emotion in the words. King truly believed what he was preaching. His speech was not just his hopes and dreams for the future, but also a warning to people of what could happen if they went too far in the other direction. He warned them not to let themselves be absorbed with hate. He warned them not to resort to violence because there was already enough violence against them. He warned white America that they were not going to just lie down and take it anymore. It was time for a change, time to pay on a long overdue debt.
“It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality.” I love this section of the speech because he is telling the whole world that, “We are here and we deserve as much any white man, and we refuse to back down”. It is an inspiration to me that they could stand up to such adversity and praise God for what they had and what they hoped to one day have.
While watching the speech, I was in awe of how many people were there. It was a really incredible thing to see. I was honestly surprised at how many white people were in attendance. I think we are often taught that black people were alone and had to struggle against all of white America, when in fact they had support and even white individuals fighting in the trenches with them. Many Americans probably had the same hopes and dreams for the future that Martin Luther King had. My grandparents taught my parents to respect everyone, and that no woman or man is better than another because of the color of their skin or for any other reason. They may not have been on the front lines with the African Americans but they had begun to change beliefs in their own homes.
King dreamed that one day his children would be able to live in a world that was just and treated them as equals. Have we reached that point? I believe that we have come closer to the end but we still have quite a bit of work left to do. There is still racism in our country and barriers that keep individuals back from realizing their dreams. We as Americans need to continue or to start teaching our children to love instead of hate. The best way to do this is by our example. We must watch how we treat other people, what we say and do in our homes will be reflected in our children.
Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream is still alive today and the struggle continues. May we choose to follow the outline of his speech; to “work together, to pray together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day”, to become the great nation that he describes.

I Wish You Enough

My friend sent me this story in an email the other day and I just loved it... thought I would share.

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough". The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom". They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?". "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?". She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory:
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.

My Own Little Mastercard Commercial....

One Build-A-Bear Teddy Bear - $35.00

6 Balloon-Bouquet - $10.00

The Look on Chad's face when he realized I'm pregnant again - PRICELESS!!!

Yes, you read correctly... I'm PREGNANT!

On Saturday, March 1st I was at Target picking up some lamps for our newly painted and refurnished bedroom and happened to walk by the aisle that has pregnancy tests and just thought to myself... What the hell, I'll just take one! I was starting to wonder if I was pregnant because I was having a lot of the same symptoms as the first time around and I still hadn't had a period after the D&C and this was almost 7 weeks later. I didn't really think it would be positive but sure enough, it popped up with the word pregnant. :D Chad was at work all day Saturday so I had some time to plan a surprise for him. We already had the teddy bear because we made it about a year ago for our future child, so I went to Wal-Mart and bought a couple little outfits, one for a girl and one for a boy and also bought a bouquet of balloons. I clipped the balloons on a bouncer we have, strapped the teddy bear in with the pregnancy test in its lap and draped the outfits over the edge of the bouncer and put it in our living room, right in front of the door. It was the first thing Chad saw when he walked in and the look on his face was truly priceless! He just stood there staring with this look of disbelief on his face and finally stammered out... "Are you pregnant?".

We went to the doctor on Tuesday and they ran a blood test just to be sure and yes we are! Someone's getting impatient to get here I think because like I said, no period... we just got pregnant! We won't know until the ultrasound on the 18th how far along we are but the doctor said probably about 5 weeks so the baby will probably be due the end of October or early November. Obviously we're still in the "danger-zone" but I'm determined to stay positive and not worry about what could happen and just hope and pray for the best.

Latest Trip

Wow I haven't written in a while! Things are going pretty well... just super busy. I'm never home during the week! Monday and Wednesday nights I have class, Tuesdays I work out with my trainer and Thursday's is Yoga with Janelle. And then there's work on top of that!
But we were still able to get away for a week with Ryan and Janelle... haha our partner's in crime! Ryan had a conference for work in New York City, so Chad and I flew out with Janelle last Monday to meet him and hang out for a few days. It was a blast! We crammed so much into the one week though that it's a bit of a blur (I'll have to look at the pictures to remember it all!). Some of the highlights were the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Natural History Museum, Eddie Izzard Comedy Concert, the Bodies Exhibition, Ground Zero / St. Paul's Cathedral, Central Park, Rockefeller Center and Time Square. Typical touristy stuff! Our hotel was just 2 blocks from Madison Square Garden and we could see the Empire State Building from our room. It was lit up Red, White and Blue for President's Day. I'll post more with pictures and such.

On another note: It's now been six weeks since the D&C and we're doing okay. It's still frustrating to know all the other people having babies but I'm alright with it. Now I'm just hoping for twins! Yeah I know I'm crazy but I think it would be fun and we'd have two out of the way at once! ;) I know a baby will happen for us soon (whether it's one or more) and that belief is comforting.

Therapy

A couple weeks ago, on Fast Sunday, Chad and I both got up and bore our testimonies and told our whole ward that we were pregnant. I also said that with a lot of our struggles that we had last year I had gotten really angry and felt like Heavenly Father didn't care about me or what Chad and I were going through. I have now realized that no matter how angry or alone I am feeling, he's right by my side. Before we received our bad news last week I had said that I didn't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if my little faith could survive it. Oddly enough, I feel very close to my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ and KNOW that they are weeping with us and hurt for our pain. I also know that though this does not feel just to us, there is a reason for our loss. Heavenly Father was being just to our baby for reasons we do not know.

That said... I relate to music. Most things that have happened in my life I relate to a song or songs. The other night, Chad and I were driving to a play and just talking about things and I had one of my sad moments. I was half paying attention to what Chad was saying (haha I think it was probably about the Jazz, sorry Chad!) and just having a pity-me-moment. I was thinking to myself, why? Why did this have to happen to us? Am I being tested for something? Is Heavenly Father seeing if I really believe what I said in testimony meeting a couple weeks ago? I also thought, is he really listening? All of a sudden, it was like the radio got really loud (it didn't, it just seemed like it to me). The song that was playing was Stand, by Rascall Flatts. The song had just started and I'd missed the first couple of lines but what suddenly came to my ears very clearly was this "Alone and helpless. Like you've lost your fight. But you'll be alright, you'll be alright." I just started to cry. That was all the answer I needed, I knew he was right by my side. I've been listening to the song over and over again this last weekend and it's really helped me. Here are the full lyrics... they describe perfectly how I'm feeling.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh [Repeat Chorus]

We're all faced with trials in our lives and we're told that it will never be more than we can take. When times are the hardest, it doesn't always feel like we'll make it through. I've had what I would consider my fair share of challenges and trials in life, most because of choices that I've made but some, like losing the baby, just because life decided to throw me a curve ball. At the times I've been going through a trial, I almost couldn't see to the end but it always came. And I'm now grateful for everything that I've had to go through, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize and appreciate all the things in my life that are truly important. Right now, I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. And though it doesn't feel like it now, I will be grateful for this trial at some point in my life because it will make me stronger. Like the song says, I feel like I'm bending, almost to the breaking point but I'm still standing and can continue to do so even if Chad and I have to lean on each other to stay upright. Thank you to all of you that have called, emailed, stopped by, prayed for us, etc., etc. We love you all so much and are grateful for every single one of you.

Nightmare

Have you ever had that feeling that you're living through a nightmare and just can't seem to shake yourself awake? You know that what you're going through couldn't possibly be real so you must be dreaming. That's how I've been feeling for the last week. We lost the baby, but it doesn't seem real. Everyone keeps telling me how well I seem to be handling it but I don't feel like it.

Last Friday I had a little bit of spotting and went home early from work because I was worried but felt better after talking to the nurse at our doctor's office. She said that it was completely normal and as long as it didn't turn bright red that I was just fine. Later that night I had bright red spotting but it wasn't a lot. I again called the doctor and spoke to the on-call doctor. He was a jerk! He pretty much blew me off and said well if you're miscarrying I can't do anything about it. Gee! Thanks for the compassion! He also told me I was probably fine and just to go see my doctor on Monday. On Saturday Chad and I ran some errands and the bleeding got worse... it wasn't constant but it was concerning. So all weekend we just stayed at home with me laying on the couch. Just to be safe. A friend of mine had lent me a heart monitor that she had and we kept listening to the heartbeat, or what we thought was the heartbeat. What we were actually hearing was my heartbeat which we figured out on Sunday night and it kind of sunk in that we'd probably lost the baby. Chad and I both cried and cried Sunday night but I was still trying to think positive.

I called as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday and made an appointment, unfortunately it wasn't with my doctor because she wasn't on that day. But she is awesome and had received an email from one of the doctors I'd talked to over the weekend letting her know what was going on and she called me and told me to get into the office. She wouldn't let me see another doctor. They did an emergency ultra-sound and determined that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks but my body just hadn't figured it out yet. My uterus was the size it should have been for 13 weeks but the baby was still tiny and had no heartbeat. That was crushing. Monday we spent all day at the doctor's office and in the hospital. My doctor called a couple hospitals and was able to get us in to have a D&C done quickly. Now I'm just empty... or that's how I feel when I let myself think about it.

Physically I'm okay. I haven't had much pain physically but emotionally I hurt. I've had a couple of blessings that have helped enormously and helped me see that I'm not alone. And I do know that I would much rather this have happened now than to have gone full term and had the baby have problems that would have caused it pain. My doctor assures us that I'm okay and has given us the go ahead to start trying again after a month. But damnit this SUCKS!!!! We were supposed to be in the safe zone... pretty much everyone knows that we were expecting and now we have to go back and tell everyone that we're no longer pregnant.

I feel alright and that everything will work out but now I'm worried that we will get pregnant again and I'll be super stressed during those first 12 weeks. I know I'm a strong person and so is Chad but it comes to a point when I have to ask why can't this just be easy already?