Therapy

A couple weeks ago, on Fast Sunday, Chad and I both got up and bore our testimonies and told our whole ward that we were pregnant. I also said that with a lot of our struggles that we had last year I had gotten really angry and felt like Heavenly Father didn't care about me or what Chad and I were going through. I have now realized that no matter how angry or alone I am feeling, he's right by my side. Before we received our bad news last week I had said that I didn't know how I would handle a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if my little faith could survive it. Oddly enough, I feel very close to my Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ and KNOW that they are weeping with us and hurt for our pain. I also know that though this does not feel just to us, there is a reason for our loss. Heavenly Father was being just to our baby for reasons we do not know.

That said... I relate to music. Most things that have happened in my life I relate to a song or songs. The other night, Chad and I were driving to a play and just talking about things and I had one of my sad moments. I was half paying attention to what Chad was saying (haha I think it was probably about the Jazz, sorry Chad!) and just having a pity-me-moment. I was thinking to myself, why? Why did this have to happen to us? Am I being tested for something? Is Heavenly Father seeing if I really believe what I said in testimony meeting a couple weeks ago? I also thought, is he really listening? All of a sudden, it was like the radio got really loud (it didn't, it just seemed like it to me). The song that was playing was Stand, by Rascall Flatts. The song had just started and I'd missed the first couple of lines but what suddenly came to my ears very clearly was this "Alone and helpless. Like you've lost your fight. But you'll be alright, you'll be alright." I just started to cry. That was all the answer I needed, I knew he was right by my side. I've been listening to the song over and over again this last weekend and it's really helped me. Here are the full lyrics... they describe perfectly how I'm feeling.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh [Repeat Chorus]

We're all faced with trials in our lives and we're told that it will never be more than we can take. When times are the hardest, it doesn't always feel like we'll make it through. I've had what I would consider my fair share of challenges and trials in life, most because of choices that I've made but some, like losing the baby, just because life decided to throw me a curve ball. At the times I've been going through a trial, I almost couldn't see to the end but it always came. And I'm now grateful for everything that I've had to go through, it has made me a stronger person and made me realize and appreciate all the things in my life that are truly important. Right now, I can just glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it's there. And though it doesn't feel like it now, I will be grateful for this trial at some point in my life because it will make me stronger. Like the song says, I feel like I'm bending, almost to the breaking point but I'm still standing and can continue to do so even if Chad and I have to lean on each other to stay upright. Thank you to all of you that have called, emailed, stopped by, prayed for us, etc., etc. We love you all so much and are grateful for every single one of you.