Nightmare

Have you ever had that feeling that you're living through a nightmare and just can't seem to shake yourself awake? You know that what you're going through couldn't possibly be real so you must be dreaming. That's how I've been feeling for the last week. We lost the baby, but it doesn't seem real. Everyone keeps telling me how well I seem to be handling it but I don't feel like it.

Last Friday I had a little bit of spotting and went home early from work because I was worried but felt better after talking to the nurse at our doctor's office. She said that it was completely normal and as long as it didn't turn bright red that I was just fine. Later that night I had bright red spotting but it wasn't a lot. I again called the doctor and spoke to the on-call doctor. He was a jerk! He pretty much blew me off and said well if you're miscarrying I can't do anything about it. Gee! Thanks for the compassion! He also told me I was probably fine and just to go see my doctor on Monday. On Saturday Chad and I ran some errands and the bleeding got worse... it wasn't constant but it was concerning. So all weekend we just stayed at home with me laying on the couch. Just to be safe. A friend of mine had lent me a heart monitor that she had and we kept listening to the heartbeat, or what we thought was the heartbeat. What we were actually hearing was my heartbeat which we figured out on Sunday night and it kind of sunk in that we'd probably lost the baby. Chad and I both cried and cried Sunday night but I was still trying to think positive.

I called as soon as the doctor's office opened on Monday and made an appointment, unfortunately it wasn't with my doctor because she wasn't on that day. But she is awesome and had received an email from one of the doctors I'd talked to over the weekend letting her know what was going on and she called me and told me to get into the office. She wouldn't let me see another doctor. They did an emergency ultra-sound and determined that the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks but my body just hadn't figured it out yet. My uterus was the size it should have been for 13 weeks but the baby was still tiny and had no heartbeat. That was crushing. Monday we spent all day at the doctor's office and in the hospital. My doctor called a couple hospitals and was able to get us in to have a D&C done quickly. Now I'm just empty... or that's how I feel when I let myself think about it.

Physically I'm okay. I haven't had much pain physically but emotionally I hurt. I've had a couple of blessings that have helped enormously and helped me see that I'm not alone. And I do know that I would much rather this have happened now than to have gone full term and had the baby have problems that would have caused it pain. My doctor assures us that I'm okay and has given us the go ahead to start trying again after a month. But damnit this SUCKS!!!! We were supposed to be in the safe zone... pretty much everyone knows that we were expecting and now we have to go back and tell everyone that we're no longer pregnant.

I feel alright and that everything will work out but now I'm worried that we will get pregnant again and I'll be super stressed during those first 12 weeks. I know I'm a strong person and so is Chad but it comes to a point when I have to ask why can't this just be easy already?